Being yourself is more easily said (or typed) than done. I always believed that I was pretty good at being myself. Or maybe I deluded myself into believing that I was pretty good at being myself. Either way, being ‘me’ has proved to be not as straight-forward as I thought. For example: I want people to like me. Who honestly doesn’t? So, when I’m talking to someone that I don’t know very well or haven’t talked with in a long time, I will begin to imitate them. I will mimic their way of speaking, I will use their slang, I will point out every little thing we have in common. It’s always very awkward. And after the conversation is over, I will come out of my silly state of mind, psychoanalyze the conversation, and berate myself. I promise myself I will be real next time, so people will like me for who I am. Like I wrote in the beginning of this paragraph, easier said than done. I also might go on and on about me and my life and how wonderful I am. I know that’s got to be grating to all but the most patient and kind-hearted of people. Truth be told, it’s a sad cycle.
What about group situations? There I have a totally different problem. I still want other people to like me, but it’s harder to act like just one person because (obviously) it’s a group. So now I will tug and pull and push and shove the spotlight in my direction, until I am standing right in the center of it. And then I’ll put on a ridiculous show. But I’m working on it! It’s the sort of thing that requires the help of God and a personal choice I suppose.
Oh the insecurities!
Thank goodness some people do see past that. And I know it’s not always as bad as I say it is. Otherwise I wouldn’t have all the lovely friends I have now. I do not know why they’ve stuck with me, but I am very glad that they have. 🙂
Very insightful! I am impressed with your self-awareness. I’m learning that this process of being myself is probably going to be lifelong education. Pass along any secrets you have, please. Keep up the great job on the posting and on Betty Blonde!
Kelly, I love this post. I can absolutely see myself in this, too. I wish I would have thought about it more when I was your age. Come to think of it, I wish I would have thought about it more last week.
Great post, Kelly. I can remember very well the tug of war in my young teenage heart. I have always admired greatly people who seem solid as a rock and moved by no one. (I married someone like this and so appreciate his stability! If I am persuaded to be more like him, I feel pretty good about that.) In our kids, I see some who are more like him (themselves no matter what) and some who are more like me (caring very much what others think about them.)
My wife is very flattering. Don’t believe a word of it, Kelly.
I most certainly went through this in my youth. When we are young it is important to us what others think about us. Infancy and youth are narcissistic times of our lives.
Since you are interested in understanding psychology, a study of narcissism and associated disorders might be enlightening. Be warned, as you become aware of just how narcissistic our society is today, you might be a little disturbed.
When I decided to go back to public school after my homeschooling (or lack thereof), I was very self-conscious. Not only was I an outsider in a small town school, there were many little social norms I didn’t know. My cruel peers laughed at me often.
Later on, I left my familiar life for a top-rated and incredibly demanding university where most other students were valedictorians from big/city schools whose SAT scores were higher than mine. My sudden status change from top of the class to somewhere in the lower 25th percentile plunged me into yet another identity and intellectual crisis.
Then, my junior year of college after only two years of German, I opted to study engineering in Germany in native German classes. Not only was this a huge academic challenge, but in post-communist East Germany, American students weren’t exactly welcomed with open arms. Once again, my identity was viciously ripped away.
Placing ourselves in tough and demanding situations are what build confindence. I believe our sense of self develops as we pass through new and challenging experiences. Unfortunately, our society has it completely backwards. Self-esteem is not developed by avoiding experiences that chew us up, but rather passing through them. Rite of passages are not easy, nor should they be.
One thing that helped/helps me, to a point, is mentally placing myself in the situation I fear(in my mind’s eye) and then examine my feelings. Then I ask myself if my feelings are really rational or productive? It is like “leaning into the fear” … don’t avoid it, but embrace it and proactively experience the situation and analyze the feelings. So, when/if I encounter the real situation, I recognize the feeling … “Hello, Mr. Fear old friend, we meet again. You cannot come with me so please wait in this car while I go take my ACT test. If you are here when I return, we will discuss how well I did.”
Wow Eric! Thanks for the great, and very well though out response. This actually instigated quite a long discussion in our little family that wound its way through a pretty broad range of topics. I too, was thrown into new schools (from the small town to the big cowboy/logger town to the big city). I have insecurities down pat! We appreciate your taking the time an making the effort to post this.
Thank you for your great response Mr. G!
It is pretty insane how self centered I can be, when I look at it. Like you said, disturbing.
Your story was very interesting to read. I can’t imagine having to go through all those dramatic changes!
Good tips too, on the whole fear thing. I will most certainly remember that.
Kelly, I am really sorry if you interpreted my remarks to mean you are self-centered. I most certainly do not think you are self-centered … Ken, maybe, but definitely not you. 🙂
What I meant by being narcissistic is that we start life narcissistic. Babies want food, attention, physical touch, etc. If we are emotionally healthy we grow less demanding of others to satisfy our wants.
What I meant by “disturbing” is how narcissistic our society is today. Very few people on public display demonstrate any sort of selflessness. Paris Hilton exhibits most of the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and she’s fabulously promoted. If we all become what is promoted by our media, then we’ll just self-centeredly consume away while Rome burns to the ground.
Wendell Berry expands on this idea in his essay titled Sex, Economy, Freedom & Community. (Sex is a noun here, not the mutated modern verb.) Berry argues that the high divorce rate is a result of households of individual consumers competing to satisfy selfish wants. How many times have we heard of spouses separating because someone does not “feel fulfilled”?
Incidentally, the one place where selflessness is still generally found is in the Christianity-based religious communities … and not just our own. Since self-sacrifice is best demonstrated in both God and Christ, it is no wonder that the world, flesh and devil would like to be rid of it.