I have been brought up to call adults by their last names. Mr. Smith, Mrs.Jones, Mr. Pedraza. All that. Through the years there have been numerous adults who urge me to call them by:
a. Their first names
b. Their first names preceded by an honorific (Mr., Mrs., Aunt, Dr.)
c. Something else
It’s generally A. When adults choose route A, I blame dad and say “I would if I could, but Dad likes me to call grown-ups by their last names” After this, adults choose one of the following options :
a. Oh your dad’s soft in the head! Call me Jane/Bob/Pedro any time you like!
b. It makes me feel old.
c. Well then call me ‘Aunt’ Jane/ ‘Mister’ Bob/ ‘Tio’ Pedro!
d. Well isn’t that nice! They sure brought you up right didn’t they?
Actually, B is usually appended to all four of these options. When adults choose D, it’s a great relief. I don’t have to go through the whole trouble of calling them by their last names, then being told to call them by their first names half a dozen times. Plus, if I do happen to call them by their first names when Dad is around, trouble is sure to come. 😉
When grown-ups urge me to call them by their first names with an honorific, I find it very difficult to do so. If you called someone Señor Pedro or even Don Pedro all your life, how could you switch to Tio Pedro?
Exceptions:
- Miss Turbone, who is really Mr. Bone, is called Miss Turbone because of an unfortunate read aloud in the second grade.
- Young adults, or those of you who are within ten years of my age.
- Troy and Youngin are more than ten years older than me, but it doesn’t feel like they are so I’m very conflicted about that.
- Blog commenters… Ruthie, can I call you Mrs. R?
- Workers (our preachers). When we were little we used to call them Uncle and Aunt, but it feels kind of strange now. I’m kind of unsure about everyone but Lyle. Lyle is Lyle.
Random things:
One thing that seriously annoys me: Kids and teenagers that call my parents (or any adult, but mostly my parents) by their first names. I don’t know if it actually annoys you adults, but it really gets on my nerves. I know it’s self righteous of me. But seriously. It doesn’t even sound real when they say it, and to me it’s incredibly rude.
When I’m unsure what to call an adult, whether it be what last name to use, what title to use, or how to address them. I avoid awkward situations by not calling adults by any name at all! It’s quite simple. You just avoid addressing them, and use general hellos, how-do-you-do’s, and goodbyes.
So there you go!
Seems reasonable. That is the way I address most people because their name has left me at the moment.
Ahhh, Kelly. You’ve written beautifully about my woes, mine being induced by cultural clashes not necessarily good upbringing. First of all, thank you for thinking of us as “young”; That’s a smile-winner!!! Despite being a “banana” I am extreeeemely uncomfortable calling anyone older than me by his/her first name. Koreans have 6 levels of address, and the first question out of their mouth is “how old are you?” and will base the entire conversation on the other’s birthdate. Even one year age difference is MAJORLY important. For me, the worst is addressing my in-laws by their first name — I literally have to mentally brace myself before saying “George” or “Violet.” (Even WRITING their names just now makes me uneasy). I have discussed this with Troy who assures me that THEY would feel uncomfortable if I addressed them in any other way. SIGH! So, I tend to avoid calling their names and speak with them in their presence. Occasionally I am forced to tell myself that Americans feel all peoples are equal and so this is a good thing. Next time we see each other, remind me to tell you about Mrs. Bump….
Catherine
An excellent post! I like that you often choose topics to discuss that I would dare say most face or have faced but rarely bring up in general conversation.
I take the avoidance route as well. When I was 11, we moved from Ohio to Georgia and there was definitely a difference in the culture of how people addressed each other. I think perhaps that is where I learned to start avoiding addressing people in general. These days, if I’m referring to someone, I like to use: “your mother”, “his cousin”, “so-and-so’s friend”, etc. to avoid figuring out how to properly speak of the person.
I’m in that awkward stage–hmm… I feel like I’ve been in an awkward stage for about 20 years now–where I’m an adult, but I’m not sure if I can call other adults by their first name. It’s strange.
And, yes, I’m one of those annoying people who feel old when people call me Mr. Holzmann. Actually, that’s my dad’s title [smile].
On the other hand, it amuses me when people call me Mr. Holzmann, so maybe I’m getting over it and accepting my age.
…wow, that was a pile of jumbled thoughts. I guess that means: It hasn’t gotten any easier for me [smile].
~Luke
H. E. Summey
The problem is with you. 🙂 I have addressed adults (even your parents) by their first names and none of them seemed to even notice it.
Ruthie
Kelly,
I, along with your parents have taught my children to address adults by their last names. All their friends have been taught the same, so I am Mrs. Graham to all of them, except for their Oneness Pentacostal friends who address me as Sister Graham. I tell them they can call me that as long as they say it sort of sassy like, “SistA Graham!” There is also a young man who has been buddies with Emma since infancy, and he calls me Rufee, like he always has. I like it.
I love the respect you have for your elders…we sometimes teach our kids to call the workers Uncle or Aunt too. I wonder how much it would confuse our kids to start calling everyone Mr. or Mrs.? I’m tempted because I love the respectful ring it has!
Youngin… I LOVE how they do it in Korea! All I know is what I’ve seen (on mysoju, LOL) and what people have told me, but it sounds pretty awesome. I would probably mess up horribly if I went there though! 6 levels of address!
Catherine: Thank you! The south is a totally different story isn’t it? 😀
Mr. Holzmann (Please don’t feel old!) I hope it gets easier!! I think 80 is the perfect age to be because everyone generally calls you one thing, and you can call everyone else anything you like!
Mrs. Graham,
I like the sound of Sistah Graham. I think when I’m grown up I’ll make people call me Sistah Kelly
Mrs. G, aside from the fact that I feel a little self righteous, it does feel really cool to call people Mr. and Mrs.!
Ruthie
ooo, I like it better Sistah Graham….more precisely phonetic!
Trisha
Kelly, I’m not a grown up yet 🙂 You can call my by my first name, besides that I am a COUSIN from the much celebrated Redneck side. (lol). Call us what you like just Call us 🙂
Kelly,
That’s hilarious. But, yes, my wife and I joke about how I’ll be cranky old guy who sits on my porch and yells at the young-uns when I’m old [smile].
~Luke
I’m 16. To me, nobody has a name, unless they’re in the military, from the deep South, or I need their attention. In that case, they’d be “sir, ma’am,” or “Excuse me.” But I never called anyone “sir” or “ma’am” in my life, because I grew up in California where these titles were rarely used.
Emails are a different story. I use titles unless I have permission to use first names. I think that it’s important to respect people’s wishes for what they want to be called. What children should call adults is not up to the parents, but the adults themselves.
I think that is well stated Hayley. Part of this is culture and I think it is a fine thing that the wishes of the callee be respected by the caller!