Day 878 of 1000
Night before last I was had a long discussion with a colleague at work who had just joined the company as a high level executive. After we had talked about business for a good while we started talking about our families. She has very accomplished children, similar in age to Kelly and Christian. I mentioned that Kelly had applied to several universities for a PhD program in Management, but probably wanted to be a stay at home mom after that.
I think the woman was a little bit offended. She admonished me that I should encourage her to do what she loves. I told her Kelly loves the idea of being a stay at home mom, but she would kind of like to finish a graduate degree first (or after she gets married but before she has kids). For awhile my colleague did not get it. She could not believe that someone might place a higher priority on her family than in a career. She told me how she had spent really big money on great nannies to take care of her kids while she was not there. She used the old canard of quality time being more important than the quantity of time one spends with their children.
All this made me thankful for Lorena who has been the gold standard of all role models for how a woman can set her priorities to maximize the impact of her life by caring for her children and her husband in the home. I am beyond grateful for all that she has done in that regard. I hope Kelly is able to acheive that level of contribution to her family and society. Anybody can be a company executive if they work hard and stay focused. It takes a lot more to be a stay at home mom.
Betty Blonde #44 – 09/16/2008
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There is another possibility. That of a community participating in taking care of children and helping out as needed.
I grew up in a herring fishing community where the Grannies and Grandas took care of the children while the mothers worked at the gutting round the country.
That’ll be your job when you retire! Take care of your grandchildren while Kelly gets the good of her hard word and education
Those are good points Margaret. The point is very well taken. I agree that community is very important. We would LOVE to do that for Kelly. Her plan is to finish her PhD before she starts a family, so we probably will not get the chance. Still, things change. The point of this post was that the woman with whom I was speaking was very pointed in her expression of the idea that a career was something about which to be excited while motherhood was something you could just outsource. I felt it was rather narcissistic. If Kelly thinks stay at home motherhood is what is best for her, she should be able to chose that.
Boy is this a hot topic, lol! I actually believe I wrote a blog post on this. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer, but I do think that women and men who stay at home with their kids should prepare to provide for their family in cases where their spouse gets ill, loses their jobs or leaves the marriage. It’s sad but true that these things do and can happen. I’ve seen it many times and spouses who aren’t prepared to work when these things come up regret it. Now in my case, I selected a very flexible career – even changed careers to be flexible for my family and yet to still meet my hunger to be employed and bring income into my home. We have four kids and my husband and I worked as a team by flip-flopping our schedules, changing careers, managing pretty successful home businesses while being available to our kids. Yes, we did use childcare and had some good and bad experiences with that. As for my girls, and sons (now men stay home with kids also) I’m encouraging them to be resourceful, find flexibility in their careers and use me (Grandma to be) to keep my grandkids like my generation did. I would happily support my kids by taking care of my grandkids if possible – how else would they remember me when I’m gone 😀
Excellent comments Nita. The things you talked about here are exactly what we have talked about with the kids. Kelly really seems to want to be a stay at home mom and it really needs to be her choice, but in this day and age it surely seems like everyone, girls and boys, should be prepared to make a living on their own before they start a family. That has been the plan all along. The thing that really resonates with me is the part about using us as grandparents when the time comes. What a privilege.
I’m just catching up with your blog. I find this post very interesting and resonates with my own experience. One will never wish one had spent more time at the office at the end of life. And, there is no greater privilege than staying home with one’s children. No career is worth the many precious moments loving your kids, and the few years of their youth fly too quickly. The great importance of parent’s influence in the small window of a child’s development cannot be overstated. Yes, there are situations where children have to be cared for by someone other than a parent, but I personally would rather sacrifice material things for my children’s emotional stability. Somehow society doesn’t comprehend that children need parents… not anything nor anyone else. So, Kelly… you are most fortunate and amazing that you’ve accomplished so much while you are so young. You still have lots of opportunity and time ahead of you to experience whatever you’d like in life for , and then still have time to be a stay at home mom. Your children will appreciate you for having been so successful, and then CHOOSING to nurture them.
I love this HappyHapas. I think you said this better than I. The big point we try to make is that this is “just” life. It often does not go the way one thinks it will go. There is no reason to quit doing the hard stuff (going on to a PhD/MS, working to move up in an organization, starting a business, etc.) while one waits to do what they think is the perfect stuff. It is possible to have both at a deep level. Thanks for taking the time to write this.
I am so happy that my children are able to pursue higher education while young and will hopefully have the choice of staying home with their children during their formative years. I was able to do do just that and home schooled them, putting on the back burner a lucrative profession to do so. I am so very thankful that I was able to obtain my degree in a great field and that after 15 years of staying home and keeping my foot in the door so to speak (keeping up with license requirements and working very minimally), I was able to secure a job in the same field rather quickly and commanded a great wage in order to help out when we needed the monies most desperately. I also could not have accomplished any of this without the support of my husband. I remember the best compliment he ever offered to me….after a particularly stressful day with 4 small children and wondering if I made the right choice to not work during this time in our lives, I was lamenting out loud and wondering if I had wasted my time going to college
and he said that I certainly did not waste my time, but rather that I was “passing all of that information and a love for learning on to my children’. I currently work 3 days/week and am able to still be there for the ‘kids’ when they get home from community college and my husband from work. I hope that they will have the opportunity to pour into their children as I have been able to pour into them